A reader recently asked for tips on dealing with loss and disappointment. The permits for a trip she had been planning for six months got canceled, making it difficult to maintain enthusiasm for her trip. Loss comes in all shapes and sizes. It includes injury, illness, change in plans, loss of livelihood, loss of youthfulness, and even death. After nearly two years of exploring change, the best suggestion I can make is to look for good to come out of the loss.

Look for good. Instead of complaining about the rain, we celebrated the fact that the rain meant fewer people on a weekend hike and beautiful photographs like this one.
Look for good. Instead of complaining about the rain, we celebrated the fact that the rain meant fewer people on a weekend hike and beautiful photographs like this one.

Weekend Hike to Teneriffe Falls

Last Saturday my daughter, Ajax, and I headed to Teneriffe Falls (6 miles, 1600′ gain) at Exit 32 on I-90. The drive has never passed so quickly. I usually listen to an e-book. Instead, we chatted easily about her coursework, the upcoming hike, her friends, and my clients.

When we started hiking around 8:30, the parking lot was about a third full. A trail maintenance crew was preparing for a day of work. Several Portapotties stood near locked latrines. And a large flat rock held numerous poop bags, indicating recent high canine traffic. Expect lots of people. It’s a Saturday in June.

Ajax and my daughter begin the steep switchbacks toward the Falls.
Ajax and my daughter begin the steep switchbacks toward the Falls.

I’ve been so conditioned to go at dawn on weekdays to less frequented trails, that I have forgotten what it’s like to hike with hordes of people. (side note: If you seek solitude, avoid Rattlesnake Ledge on a summer weekend.) When my daughter pointed out bleeding hearts, banana slugs, and nurse logs, my heart swelled with pride. She still remembers much of what we taught her during her childhood hikes.

Loss or Gain?

Over the past year, I have explored what it’s like to move forward with an “empty nest.” Sort of. My daughter attends a local university and often comes home for a few days. We’ve adjusted to weekdays without her, and weekends with her. Now that she is home for the summer, we’re adjusting again. The biggest change: she wants to join me hiking.

How could this ever be perceived as a loss? You can view any change as having loss and gain. For instance, hiking with another person means a loss of freedom to go at my own pace. To leave the house when I want. Hiking on the weekends also brings a loss of solitude on the trail and a loss of time due to higher traffic in the city.

We dubbed this the "mystical corridor" with its pine needles, fog, and empty space. The rain kept the weekend crowds to a minimum except at the Falls where a large group of rowdy students celebrated their recent graduation.
We dubbed this the “mystical corridor” with its pine needles, fog, and empty space. The rain kept the weekend crowds to a minimum except at the Falls where a large group of rowdy students celebrated their recent graduation.

But it also brings plenty of good. Wonderful conversations with another person. New perspectives. Varied pace. Exploration and adventure of a different kind. Moments of pride when you realize your daughter has absorbed all sorts of lessons from childhood. It depends entirely on how you frame it.

Ask yourself: are you a “glass half full” or “glass half empty” person? What if you tried to look at your loss through a lens of self-compassion and kindness, or tried to view your experience as a new learning opportunity?

Look for Good: Problem as Learning Opportunity

When my daughter insisted on a third break on the ascent, she needed to check her feet. She had hot spots on her heels that threatened to form blisters. I reminded myself of my biggest intention. Make sure she has fun so she agrees to hike again. I channeled the patience my friends showed me on Mt. Wrightson when I experienced heat exhaustion.

The joy on my daughter's face, when we reached the Falls, was worth the three rest stops it took to get there. I thought back to all the hikes we did with her as a youngster. Now that she's an adult, she's come full circle. I couldn't be happier.
The joy on my daughter’s face, when we reached the Falls, was worth the three rest stops it took to get there. I thought back to all the hikes we did with her as a youngster. Now that she’s an adult, she’s come full circle. I couldn’t be happier.

I asked myself, What’s good about this problem?

  • Learning how to lace boots properly and adjust for uphill or downhill
  • Layering socks correctly to prevent wear on the skin
  • Learning to doctor hot spots before they become blisters
  • Making sure to carry Moleskin, duct tape, or Bandaids in a First Aid kit.

Experience is one of the best teachers. I doubt she’ll ever hike again without bringing blister protection.

Near the bottom of the hike, I was relieved to see my daughter was still able to smile. We're off to another hike in the morning. She had a good enough experience (and the blisters were only a minor irritant) that she's willing to go again.
Near the bottom of the hike, I was relieved to see my daughter was still able to smile. We’re off to another hike in the morning. She had a good enough experience (and the blisters were only a minor irritant) that she’s willing to go again.

Look for Good When Losses Are Ubiquitous

Earlier this week it felt like every email I opened pointed to some kind of loss. Lost mobility that led to canceling a trip. Illness meant cutting a trip short. A fall that led to a trip to the ER. A friend reporting death of a friend. Loss of enjoyment due to pain. Loss of awareness while driving. And the death of a former client’s tentmate on Everest. Pain and loss everywhere.

Where’s the good? Two jumped out at me:

  • I have finally learned to hold suffering at a distance and not take other people’s pain on myself. I can remain compassionate and empathetic but not drown in the pain. Win!
  • Maybe I could write a blog about it that might help others find a path through loss.
The author, her daughter, and Ajax enjoy an hour at Teneriffe Falls before hiking down. If you go on a summer weekend, choose a rainy day to cut down on crowds. That will also make the falls more spectacular.
The author, her daughter, and Ajax enjoy an hour at Teneriffe Falls before hiking down. If you go on a summer weekend, choose a rainy day to cut down on crowds. That will also make the falls more spectacular.

Additional Posts on Loss

I’ve written about loss in other blog posts. This list is not exhaustive, but it might point to some interesting reading if you’re relatively new to the blog.

A hike with two of my favorite living creatures on this planet. WIN!
A hike with two of my favorite living creatures on this planet. WIN!

Parting Thoughts

My parting thoughts are about Kelly Clarkson’s blockbuster song, “Stronger.” To paraphrase, what doesn’t kill us builds our RESILIENCE. A hero’s journey is filled with obstacles. We can bury our heads in the sand, smother our pain with food or alcohol, or we can face the pain and go right through it. If we look for what good might come out of it — connecting with others also experiencing the loss, having a different kind of adventure, getting more clarity on our goals and values — we can handle the pain more easily.

If you have recently experienced some sort of loss, please share it so we can all learn from and help each other. You are not alone. And if you have a topic you’d like to explore, please suggest it. A shout out to E. for asking this question, and to my Monday Morning writing partners for a wonderful, lively discussion of the Murky Middle blog post. I learn so much from all of my readers and commenters! Thank you!

Published by Courtenay Schurman

Co-author of The Outdoor Athlete (2009) and Train to Climb Mt. Rainier or Any High Peak DVD (2002), author of Mountaineering: Freedom of the Hills/conditioning chapter 4 (3 editions), and Peak Performance column for the Mountaineers Mag (2014-present). Member of PNWA, SCBWI, EPIC. Served on the steering committee for WOTS (2019-present). Completed UW Certificate program for Children's Literature and Memoir. Co-owner of Body Results, Inc. in Seattle. Climb leader with Seattle Mountaineers for over 15 years. Volunteer at Woodland Park Zoo since 2014.

6 replies on “Look for Good at Teneriffe Falls”

  1. Thank you, Courtenay, for another beautiful post that goes to the (aching) heart of what feels like a mountain of summer plans’ “anticipointments” for me. Thank you to Ellen as well for sharing a tale of foiled plans and a way through the sense of loss and to beautiful experiences on the other side. This 2023 record snow (followed by record thaw) in the West have challenged more than one outdoors’ enthusiast; I am no exception. While having to “reinvent” my summer adventures, mostly scaling them down, came with its own sense of loss… I was in fact more affected by the temporary loss of a new backpacking friend. Up until this year, I backpacked solo and came to enjoy so many aspects of that peaceful and intimate experience. Then, in late 2022, I started taking regular walks with a new companion. We progressively did more day hikes and found out that we were a really “good match” on this type of outing: our conversations’ flow felt natural and easy, our pace was about the same, our willingness to adjust to the other’s needs and likes on the trail came from a place of care and curiosity, our interests with the outdoors were nearly identical. When we had to cut short a long anticipated 5-days backpack, the intensity of the sense of loss took me by surprise; I was, after all, very much a SOLO long-distance hiker. I totally agree with “Feel the disappointment and move through it.”. I certainly did the “feeling part”. But once I “moved through it”, I could see two very good things coming out of this. First, I now know that I have expanded my palette for outdoors adventures: I can still hike solo when I do wish… but, once my companion recovers, I’ll also be able to truly enjoy shared experiences on the trail – GAIN!. Second and even more importantly, my backpacking companion had (for way too long) delayed addressing the issue that caused her to abort our trip. Because of our failed plan she finally became ready and willing to “bite the bullet” and regain full physical fitness… nothing short of a life-changing decision. For now, I look forward to a few solo backpacks in areas I had postponed “for later” on my hiking bucket list. A LOT of good was actually hiding under the seemingly inert ashes of my initial summer plans!

    1. Full of wins! Good on you for looking for the silver lining and working through the disappointment. If we can use obstacles as teaching experiences, I think we would all be much better off. Thanks so much for another great share and evidence for how putting this material into practice can make a huge life-long difference!

  2. Greetings, I’m the “E” in the posting. I was just whining about how the incredible amount of snow that Yosemite has received canceled my climb Half Dome permit. The disappointment of it was making it difficult for me to plan the rest of the trip which was still very much a go. I had to let myself grieve and move through it.
    Well it turned out that the trail to Little Yosemite Valley had gotten some winter damage and portions of it were closed. There still was a way there (and we did get there), but route was so circuitous that we wouldn’t of considered continuing on to make the incredible effort to climb Half Dome anyway.
    Not only did we see historically huge waterfalls but we rewarded ourselves with a stay at the Ahwahnee hotel in Yosemite which was grand.
    I think the message is: don’t get stuck. Feel the disappointment and move through it.

    1. Thanks for the comment, Ellen, and yes — not only did you feel it, move through it, but the win was the huge waterfalls and Ahwahnee stay! Nicely done salvaging and enjoying yourself! May we all look for the good in our struggles and be rewarded with unique experiences from it!

    1. Aw thanks, Silvie-Marie. One of the things I really appreciate about you is showing up. Whether that is in the photography realm, doing your workouts consistently, or reading (and commenting on) a blog. Many thanks for your loyalty and encouragement.

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