CourtSchurmanGO.com 2025-06-25

Rising Strong Lesson: The Story I’m Telling Myself

In her book, Rising Strong, Brene Brown uses a powerful phrase that resonates as much for me as advice from the Gap and the Gain (see recent blog posts). Brown, a shame researcher, talks about falling down and finding the courage to “rumble” or reset ourselves and get back up again. Anytime we feel exceedingly vulnerable when asking for what we need, she suggests using the phrase: The story I’m telling myself… I have already used her line a number of times in the past few weeks, with positive results.

Lemurs in Madagascar provide the perfect backdrop for "rising strong" as these remarkable primates are tree dwellers. — Lemurs in Madagascar provide the perfect backdrop for “rising strong” as these remarkable primates are tree dwellers.

Brene Brown’s Lake Travis Story

As an example of how this line works, Brown shares a story about swimming in Lake Travis with her husband Steve. In it, she tries several times to connect with him on a deep, spiritual level, without getting the desired response. The fiction she creates is that she’s slow. He doesn’t like how she looks in her Speedo. Or he no longer feels the same connection toward her after years of marriage.

Meanwhile, his own story involves dwelling on a recent nightmare about losing the kids in a boating accident. While he is preoccupied with trying to remain the strong, capable man she wants him to be, she’s trying to connect. When they finally talk about it later, she uses the phrase, “The story I’m telling myself…” It signals that she feels vulnerable and tentative, and may have created a false narrative. They both share their own interpretation of the moment. As a result, they weather the rough spot with greater understanding and appreciation for each other.

Another master climber. They make it look so incredibly effortless. — The sifakas are masterful climbers. They make it look so incredibly effortless.

A Tool for Reframing Your Story

Brown’s story unlocked something for me. I tend to avoid confrontation. I also realize that I get stuck in black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking, or even partial truths. Brown’s phrase is empowering. Using it allows me to take ownership of the narrative I’m telling myself and voice it aloud. By sharing it with the other person, I can learn whether my story is close or if I have completely missed the mark.

I’ve used this with my daughter and husband. Each time, I’ve gained more clarity and learned how often the story I’m concocting is partly incorrect. Imagine having one tool that could help us clear up misunderstandings. This reframing phrase is becoming that tool.

A sifaka mom with a baby clutched to her stomach.

An Example of Rising Strong

As an illustration, one of the opportunities I had to use the phrase revolves around my expectations. I expect when I make an appointment, the person will be ready for me. Last week that didn’t happen. The story I told myself was that I didn’t matter, that I was “less important” than whatever else was going on. Or worse, I was simply forgotten.

On using the line with myself and digging deeper with self-compassion and an openness to learning, I realized not only was I wrong, but the problem was NOT between the two of us, but steeped in technology. My phone has had issues sending and receiving texts. Since the other person texts almost exclusively, we kept missing each other. The new, true story was “My technology needs updating.” That immediately led to owning and discussing the problem, apologizing, finding a better way to confirm appointments, backing up data on my old phone, and ordering a new one. We both experienced a win-win and kept our relationship intact.

Indri singing in the rain. Their haunting calls resonate for miles in the rainforest canopy. If only we could communicate the same way, without needing all the high-tech gizmos and gadgets!

What Resources Have Helped You?

We have explored a number of tools for change in the past six months, including KISAGE (keeping it simple and good enough), focusing on the GAIN rather than the GAP, and finding joy everywhere.

If you have found it helpful to learn about resources we’ve shared that energize, educate, or shift something within you, please comment below. Better yet, if you know of books or websites that have helped YOU on your journey through change, I would love to hear about them. Perhaps one will be featured and discussed in upcoming posts.

Rising Strong into Year Two

I am gearing up for a second year of blog posts (Yo.u know who you are — thanks for your encouragement!) What resonates most with you? My ideas going forward include advice from author and life coach Tama Kieves. Precision Nutrition takeaway tips. Kristin Neff on Self-Compassion. Brene Brown’s many books. And of course, I’ll continue to share adventures with Ajax.

Rise strong with me into year two. Do you know of others who could benefit from the tips in this blog? Help me grow my subscriber list by forwarding it!

During our visit to Lemur Island, near Andasibe in Madagascar, we got to feed ripe bananas to these friendly little brown lemurs. An example of unexpected joy, for sure!

Solo Hiking: Nine Ways It Enhances Your Freedom

Several weeks ago on Tiger Mountain, a pair of women stopped to ask me a few questions about my experience of solo hiking as a female. Did I feel comfortable hiking with only my dog as a companion? (Yes.) Did he give me a sense of safety and security in bear country? (Definitely.) Would I be hiking if I didn’t have him around? (Not as much.) What hikes would I recommend for women hiking by themselves? (All the ones listed on my Blog.) Such questions got me thinking about nine ways solo hiking enhances my freedom and joy.

Solo hiking with Ajax allows me to set my own pace, rest as long (or short) as I want, explore side routes, and change destination on a whim. Solo hiking is the ultimate in freedom.

Enhancing Freedom

Planning a hike requires checking on roads and routes to and from your destination (including obtaining the necessary forest passes or parking permits). It also involves researching the weather, knowing what gear, food, and clothing you will need, and making sure you have the appropriate skills. The more people in your group, the harder it is sometimes for everyone to agree. Solo hiking provides the ultimate freedom.

Start and end whenever you want. I am the only early bird in my family, and I hate burning daylight. When I plan trips with other people — including hiking partners, friends, or family — I nearly always end up waiting. One of my very favorite things about hiking solo is getting up without an alarm (sometimes as early as 4:30 a.m.) and heading out the door. All Ajax needs is a bowl of kibble and he’s ready to go.

The view overlooking I-90 from the gravel trail headed toward Change Peak. We saw four people in the six hours we were out hiking.

Change destination on a whim. Sometimes I plan to do a particular hike but change my mind at the last minute. Last week on Mt. Washington, Ajax and I had perfect cool weather at 6:30 a.m., and after reaching the summit around nine, we descended a different way that allowed us to add a few miles exploring Change Peak to the east. As long as I alert my husband to my estimated return time and the approximate area I’ll be hiking, we explore as much as we want.

Set an independent pace. Solo hiking is the ultimate exercise in identifying your pace. I like to be first on a path so Ajax can travel off-leash on the trip up. I can always tell from cobwebs tickling my face if we are first on the route. At the summit, whenever the mosquitoes become annoying, we don’t have to wait for everyone else; we simply pack up and leave. If we want to stop for photos or grab a snack, no problem. We can go as fast or as slow as we like.

About the only downside of solo hiking is there's nobody around to snap your photograph. Fortunately, selfies are possible with cell phones, and DSLRs allow outside-the-box creativity such as shadow shots. — About the only downside of solo hiking is there’s nobody around to snap your photograph. Fortunately, selfies are possible with cell phones, and DSLRs allow outside-the-box creativity such as shadow shots.

Unexpected Benefits of Solo Hiking

Sometimes I absolutely adore hiking with a close friend, particularly one on the same wavelength with whom I can share deep, philosophical conversations (you know who you are!) Other times, I celebrate being on the trail alone. Why the difference?

Enhance senses. Whenever I hike alone, I pay a lot more attention to the birdsong, shadows, lighting, breeze, temperature, and loamy, earthy smells. Even my protein shake and trail mix taste better in the mountains. Solo hiking often results in far better photos, because I can take my time. And I am more attuned to how Ajax is doing, since he is the only one with me.

Beargrass tufts in the full sun of Chance Peak.

Become self-reliant. In today’s fast-paced and high-tech world where everyone is a specialist, sometimes it feels like there is no room for a generalist such as myself. Solo hiking allows me to return to basics and trust myself in a way that I do not in the city. It provides me with a way to get in touch with my roots, akin to gardening or forest bathing.
Meet strangers who become friends. One of my most memorable hikes the past year started as a solo hike with Ajax along the Kendall Katwalk. I met someone who turned into a client and blog follower (you know who you are!) He challenges me with philosophical insights I would never have had without joining forces on the trail. When you are hiking as part of a group, however, such an opportunity might never present itself.

Solo Hiking Provides Carry-over Into Life

Finally, solo hiking enhances freedom in my daily life, by relieving stress, providing a channel for creative problem solving, and allowing me ways to safely explore new areas.

Relieve stress. Nothing else gives me as much relief from stress as solo hiking. When I am in the mountains with Ajax, I have zero responsibilities other than taking care of the two of us. We go at our own pace, do exactly what we want, and enjoy nature with mindfulness and freedom.

Ajax at the base of the Great Wall on Mt. Washington.

Channel creative problem-solving. Over the past year, whenever I feel stuck (in my blog or creative writing, or even my client work) I set an intention to “mull” over the current problem on my next hike. I’ve started to do the same in town if I can’t spare a half-day. Traveling with a pack has become a form of walking meditation.
Explore new areas. Mother Nature has provided numerous trails in the Pacific Northwest. I can bring my wanderlust to city walks with Ajax, by taking familiar routes in a reverse direction or exploring streets I’ve never been down before. A win for the brain!

Cushiony pine and moss trail down the Great Wall route, a welcome break from the rocky, gravely normal route.

How to Improve Communication: Reduce Complaining

This past weekend, my husband and I were discussing how ubiquitous complaining has become. I suddenly realized how often I complain to my journal. Frequently unconsciously. My husband whipped out one of his gems. “The quality of the language we use dictates the quality of the communication we have with ourselves and others.” I vowed to improve communication by trying to stop — or reduce — my complaining. Easier said than done.

Whether we are giving directions to a lovely international waterfall, persuading someone to do something for us, or complaining, "The quality of the language we use dictates the quality of the communication." We can always improve communication. — Whether we are giving directions to a lovely hidden waterfall, persuading someone to do something for us, or complaining, “The quality of the language we use dictates the quality of the communication.” We can always work to improve communication.

What Is Complaining?

In simplest terms, complaining is a way to express pain, dissatisfaction, or resentment. Sometimes I complain in my journal to process something that is not going well. That way nobody ever has to hear it. According to Dr. Travis Bradberry, complaining — in any form — is awful for our health. He says that the more we complain, the more negative we become.

Complaining can result from a comparison (oops!). I often hear people say they don’t have enough (time, money, fame, beauty, etc.) or too much (weight, work, pain, stress, people relying on them, etc.) If you’ve been following my blog over the past month, you may recall what Dan Sullivan says about comparison (in The Gap and The Gain). It’s a sure way to get stuck in the GAP.

The main -- and only -- steep "highway" to the east coast of Madagascar out of the capital city Antananarivo. If a truck stalls or has a flat (a common occurrence on this road) traffic backs up for kilometers as it turns into a one-lane road. Still think you have it hard? — The main — and only — steep “highway” to the east coast of Madagascar out of the capital city Antananarivo. If a truck stalls or has a flat (a common occurrence on this road) traffic backs up for kilometers as it turns into a one-lane road. Still think you have it hard?

“Repeated complaining rewires your brain to make future complaining more likely,” Bradberry points out. “Over time, you find it’s easier to be negative than to be positive, regardless of what’s happening around you. Complaining becomes your default behavior, which changes how people perceive you.”

Once we start a complaining habit, it becomes harder to change. I’ve taken it on as my next challenge. (As if I don’t have enough to work on already. Oops, see that? Another complaint. Dagnabbit!)

Stop Complaining to Improve Communication

Now that we know how awful complaining is for our health and relationships, how can we become more positive? Below are some suggestions. The original list comes from psychologists Scott Bea and Susan Albers at Health Essentials.

Typical work conditions in Madagascar. These gentlemen were working with molten liquid without protective footwear, eyewear, or even mitts. I will never again complain about work conditions in the US. — Typical work conditions in a metal factory in Madagascar. These gentlemen were pouring molten ore without protective footwear, eyewear, or hand coverings. I will never again complain about work conditions in the US.

Six Strategies to Reduce Complaining

Choose the right audience — Most of the world couldn’t care less. (Or worse, they may get so annoyed that they start avoiding you). Look for one appropriate person — a close friend or colleague, clergy or social worker — to help you brainstorm options for change
Clarify intent — Ask yourself if this issue really matters that much to you. If so, write about it in private with the goal of finding a solution
Complaint sandwich — Just like we use in my writing groups when delivering critiques, say something positive, voice your critique/complaint, and end with another positive.

Gamify — Increase your awareness of when you’re complaining by remaining playful. Try saying aloud, “Oops, there I go again, better change my strategy.” Keep it lighthearted rather than self-critical or judgmental.
Gratitude — Whenever you become aware of your need to complain, stop. Think about what’s good about the current situation. This will allow you to return to the GAIN rather than the GAP.
Time limit — ANY complaining causes “neurons that fire together, wire together,” suggests Bradberry. If you can CATCH yourself, limit your complaining time to, under a minute. Then switch to a more productive problem-solving mode.

Approaching a busy city. Main roads in Madagascar are few and heavily used by all - zebu cattle, bikes, pedestrians, and what few transport vehicles there are, heavily laden with passengers and possessions. — Approaching a busy city. Main roads in Madagascar are few and heavily used by all – zebu cattle, bikes, pedestrians, and what few transport vehicles there are, heavily laden with passengers and possessions.

Benefits of Kicking the Habit

The faster you jump out of the complaining habit, the better. Like any habit, it can be changed. It is a skill you can develop. Like any skill, it requires a beginner’s mindset, awareness, and practice.

Think of people you spend most of your time with. Do any of them complain all the time? Can you limit how much time you spend with them? Try surrounding yourself with positive people. Observe what they do. The more you can train your brain to focus on the positives, rather than the negatives, the more joy you will find.

As always, I’d love to hear from you. Do you have any aha moments around complaining? Have you tried any useful strategies to increase your awareness? Share them in the comments section.

Beginner’s Mindset: How to Maintain One for Optimal Fun

On Father’s Day my husband, daughter, and I went on three different outings: disc golf, pickleball, and birding. All three are mild physical activities, done outside, and requiring different skillsets. They also provided me with a wonderful insight into how important it is to maintain a beginner’s mindset for optimal fun.

My daughter prepares to launch a javelin, a high-skills Field event that requires a ton of work and training to master. — My daughter prepares to launch a javelin, a high-skills Field event that requires a ton of hard work and training to master.

Disc Golf Reminded Me of the Beginner’s Mindset

We started with a “practice hole” at North Park, since our daughter had never played before. I wasn’t sure how my wrist would do. My first throw went perpendicular to the intended direction. I have zero control. I’ll have to throw leftie. Unfortunately, I pitched the next disc into the street. Mortified, I considered walking the tiny course as a spectator. Not once did I think, With my injured wrist, it’s like I am a complete novice. Better change strategies.

Meanwhile, my husband (who played a lot of golf and disc golf in the past) hit the chain basket in par 3. Mine took twelve. I used to be able to throw way harder and farther. Why bother? I can’t win; I can’t even compete. My wonky throwing will only slow us down.

Comparison Squashes Fun

Uh oh. You can see where this is headed. To quote Lost in Space, season 1 episode 10, “Danger, Will Robinson!” I fell prey to comparing, competing, and creating faulty expectations. When would a novice — injured at that — ever beat someone skilled? I was asking all the wrong questions. I’d fully succumbed to GAP thinking. (If this is new to you, please see previous posts about Dan Sullivan’s book, the Gap and the Gain.)

As my daughter linked her arm through mine and we returned to start the first hole “for real,” I quickly constructed a new narrative with different goals: be outside, share a new experience with my family, practice throwing straight, and improve from the previous hole.

For the next few holes, as my husband continued with par 3’s, I focused on my own efforts. When my score dropped from 12 to 8 and then 7, and I straightened out the disc’s flight path, I smiled. I was learning. I was improving. This was fun. When we left, I wanted to keep playing. We’d arrived in the Gain.

Disc golf combines elements of urban bushwacking, frisbee, and golf. I used my left hand and told myself anything under 15 throws per hole I'd consider a win. Beginner's mindset: just have fun and learn something new. — Disc golf combines elements of urban bushwacking, frisbee, and golf. I used my left hand and told myself anything under 15 throws per hole I’d consider a win. Beginner’s mindset: just have fun and learn something new.

Pickleball and Lack of a Beginner’s Mindset

Second, we tried pickleball, something none of us had played before. I’d never even heard of it until a hiking buddy (CW!) and writing partner (AC!) both mentioned playing. My racquet experiences extended to squash, ping pong, badminton, and tennis, but the whiffle balls don’t bounce much and take some getting used to. We watched a two-minute video on the basics and set out to play with our brand-new equipment.

As with disc golf, I tried using both hands. This time, I could hit with the right, but each contact sent a zing up my wrist. Good rehab, I convinced myself. My husband played on one side, and my daughter and I teamed up on the other. Our only goal was to try it out, kind of like we hit the badminton birdie in our backyard with no net.

Competition Reduces the Joy

After we’d volleyed for a few minutes, laughing about the short racquets and balls that don’t bounce, a kind stranger approached and offered to teach us the rules. A fourth! Why not? Unfortunately, this meant fewer opportunities for each of us to hit, and that darn competition thing returned. My daughter got frustrated and left, while my husband and I stayed a few more minutes, hoping to pick up a few useful tips. “Dinking” turned competitive; fun morphed into work.

When we finally located our daughter hanging out by a stream, she said she’d be happy to try disc golf again, but not pickleball. At least not if we’re going to repeat what had just happened. The lesson, at least in our family: competing before you have mastered basic competencies reduces the joy.

Birding and Chasing a Rarity

Our final adventure of the day was to Marymoor Park in Redmond to try to spot a rare species, the blue grosbeak, which had only been seen north of Oregon three times in Ebird.org‘s recorded history. Birding is a solitary endeavour — you generally don’t want scores of people disturbing the birds you want to see — yet when there are rarities in the area, it can become quite a social event.

Blue grosbeak, a bird species that has only been spotted north of Oregon three times in the history of tracking it. My husband is a Master Birder whereas I am an advanced beginner. I think I would continue to learn more if I maintained a beginner's mindset. — Blue grosbeak in Marymoor Park. I have more fun learning when I can maintain a beginner’s mindset.

My husband is a Master Birder through Seattle Audubon. He also has countless hours of practice with a 500mm lens, taking photos of birds in flight. Here, I knew from the outset what my expectations were: Spot the blue grosbeak. Secondary? Get a photo. Hard enough since birds are wild and unpredictable.

I also knew there would be dozens of other birders with far more experience looking for the same bird. In this case, it would help me to get a glimpse. I simply went along for the ride to absorb whatever knowledge everyone else shared. The result? I enjoy birding with people who know a lot more than I do. While I can maintain a beginner’s mindset, I can also help teach any others who know less about it than I do. Win-win.

The Take-away Lessons

Today’s ramblings reminded me of four key points:

For optimal fun, whimsy and play, maintain a beginner’s mindset
Establish realistic expectations, as that leads to staying in the Gain
Compete only with yourself, while you establish basic competencies, or risk squelching your joy
Learning can be challenging. For optimal learning, cultivate a beginner’s mindset

If there is something you have wanted to try, explore it with a playful, childlike, and curious mindset. Find someone who can guide you in a gentle, non-competitive way. Give yourself permission to be a complete novice, without judgment or embarrassment. Share your experience in the blog comments. And as we approach Blog posts 45-50, if you have topics you would love to have me explore, please suggest them.

How to Reign in Your Inner Critic Through Journaling

Last week I shared a blog post about getting massive leverage on ourselves. Below, I share a journaling technique that helped me get through the first week of breaking an old habit. The exercise may seem esoteric or woo-woo, but it has helped me tap into wisdom I never knew I had. It has made for a few memorable journal entries over the past decade. It can help you reign in your inner critic and understand how that voice in your head is trying to help.

My dog thinks the world of me. My inner critic? Not so much. Try this technique to reign in your inner critic.

Inviting Your Inner Critic

You don’t need to be a writer to take advantage of this technique. Every person is creative. (I was even secretary for three years for a writer’s group in Edmonds with that name, EPIC Group Writers.) If you already are a writer or have toyed with keeping a journal at any point, you may take to this naturally.

All you need are some colored markers, pencils, or ink pens, and some paper, bound in a journal or loose is up to you. You may find it more fun to do this by hand rather than on a computer, and the paper can be lined or unlined if you want to doodle, draw, or even scrapbook.

Raging waterfall on the hike to Annette Lake.

Find a comfortable place where you can relax and get curious, preferably someplace you won’t be disturbed for at least ten or fifteen minutes. That could be in your parked car, on a bench in a green space, on a trail in the mountains, on a towel on a beach, or curled up in your bedroom. Someplace comfortable, soothing, familiar.

Finally, have some issue in mind that has you conflicted. In my case, on day eight of “Operation Stifle Sweet-tooth”, my inner critic spoke up, demanding chocolate. The very day I was scheduled to visit Annette Lake with a friend. I’d signed a contract with myself that if I had any chocolate at any point before my hike, I would have to cancel with my hiking partner. What could I do?

Meet Gooky, My Inner Critic

Many years ago, I playfully named my inner critic “Gooky”, a cross between “gremlin” and “cookie.” She’s a little green gremlin that perches on my left shoulder and, as close as I can tell, she’s me at age six — a whiner who wants sweets all the time, who wants to skip exercise and read all day, and who loves to laugh but can’t tell a joke to save her life — blended with the harshest critic imaginable.

You know the type. We all have one. Gooky insists that I will never amount to much as a writer, that everything I put out into the world is garbage, that I don’t know what I’m talking about, and that being sugar-free and gluten-free is totally boring, painful, and stupid.

Have you named yours yet? Try it. Befriend them. It’s a hoot.

Instead of giving in, I pulled out a writing technique I used about a decade ago when I suffered from plantar fasciitis. Right after our previous dog, Emily, died, I dialogued with five body parts clamoring for attention. A veritable cacophony.

This time was much simpler, just me and Gooky. Gooky’s words usually get green ink. My calm, in-control, adult self gets purple.

My reward for staying clear of chocolate for eight days was hiking with a close friend. As soon as I came up with that part of my contract, I knew I wouldn't break my promise. However, I didn't realize Gooky would test me the morning of our hike. — My reward for staying clear of chocolate for eight days was hiking with a close friend. As soon as I came up with that part of my contract, I knew I wouldn’t break my promise. However, I didn’t realize Gooky would test me the morning of our hike.

While I won’t include the entire exchange, a portion is below. The key to using this technique is to listen closely and try to understand the other voice, almost like you’re facing them in the opposite chair.

The Dialogue Begins

ME: Okay, Gooky, I hear that you’re asking for chocolate before today’s hike. We talked about this. Remember the pact we made, that if we went for a whole week, we’d get to hike with our friend today?

G: Yup. We did it. Bring chocolate.

ME: But then I have to show that awful picture on my blog, because the entire commitment was until July 31.

G: Then bring the Whoop strap.

Encountering Surprises

This comment Gooky made through my pen had me puzzled. What on earth do a biometric device and chocolate have in common, and why did my inner critic want data about the hike? So, I asked.

ME: What, exactly, do you want?

G: Proof.

Again, I remained clueless. I didn’t know where these thoughts were coming from. I asked again.

ME: I don’t understand. Can you explain more?

G: Proof that we’re still awesome. I need a reward.

Dew-covered foxglove on the trail several years ago. Do pretty flowers appeal to six-year-olds? Sometimes. — Dew-covered foxglove on the trail to Mt. Washington several years ago. Do pretty flowers appeal to six-year-olds? Sometimes.

Aha. My six-year-old self equated eating chocolate with awesome fun and worry-free times, and she equated the Whoop with our many hikes the past two years where we went farther, faster, higher. She saw chocolate and positive biometric feedback as rewards for hard work. Suddenly, I realized what this was about. It was NOT about the chocolate. It never was.

Ending an Exchange

ME: (gently) We are awesome. We don’t need proof. Isn’t hiking with a friend reward enough?

G: You always share too much.

ME: Only with people I trust, who won’t betray my confidence. And with you. You’re a part of me. You’ve been a big help in the past. But I need to let go of some of the habits that don’t help us anymore, so we can move on to the next level. But I know you’re always there when I need you. Okay?

By her silence, I knew I had appeased the critic. I proceeded to the car — without chocolate — and had a wonderful time with my hiking buddy. As Gooky’s “reward” I took mixed nuts with a few dates and some string cheese so she wouldn’t get hungry in the car. She has been silent since Tuesday.

Log waterfall on the trail to Annette Lake.

Take-Away Messages

I certainly don’t suggest sharing your dialogues with the world as I am doing. I am not schizophrenic but yes, I do hear a voice in my head. My dialogue was a perfect illustration of how this technique works and what one might learn using it. Consider checking back in with yours periodically to see what insights you gain.

If you prefer talking out loud to writing, place a chair in front of you and physically switch seats back and forth as you dialogue with your inner critic. Some actors and writers use this exercise to “get into a role.” Do whatever allows you to tap into the most authentic you.

But most importantly, have fun with it. Befriend it. Understand it. Your inner critic is trying its very best to protect you with the tools at its disposal. The more you can listen, the more you can move forward with everyone on board instead of at odds.